Fon Master Ion (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
distressedude) wrote2012-02-28 01:37 pm
distressedude) wrote2012-02-28 01:37 pm
021 ~ [Voice]
[Even with the month of February coming to a close, the weather has still been rather cold. But that didn't stop spring from trying to make its way through, and even now, one could see the start of buds on trees around the forest. Appropriately bundled up for the weather, Ion rests at the foot of the largest tree in the cherry tree grove just north of the village. Taking in a long, steady breath, he absentmindedly opens his journal. When he speaks, it doesn't even seem like he's addressing the journal at first. His voice sounds distant; he's had a lot on his mind lately.]
I wonder what it would be like to live in Luceti longer than I lived back on Auldrant... so far. [Those last words are added rather hastily, like an after-thought. There's a wistful smile on his face.] Thinking about it used to make me feel sad... now I'm almost not sure what to think. It feels like the longer I'm here, the greater the chance is that I might start to forget things about home. The sound of the city bustling to life in the morning. The way the sun shines off the fonbelt in the sky at sunset. The faces of all the kind people I've met...
[He trails off before smiling a little more brightly.]
But I guess it really hasn't been all that long. [Two years in Luceti. Almost a year back on Auldrant. Nearly a quarter of the time he's been alive.] Besides, there are things here that I never want to forget as well...
[He trails off and looks off into the distance. The only sound for a few moments is that of birds chirping overhead. Aburptly, he looks back down at the journal.]
Ah. I think I lost track of where I was going with this. I'm sorry for rambling.
I wonder what it would be like to live in Luceti longer than I lived back on Auldrant... so far. [Those last words are added rather hastily, like an after-thought. There's a wistful smile on his face.] Thinking about it used to make me feel sad... now I'm almost not sure what to think. It feels like the longer I'm here, the greater the chance is that I might start to forget things about home. The sound of the city bustling to life in the morning. The way the sun shines off the fonbelt in the sky at sunset. The faces of all the kind people I've met...
[He trails off before smiling a little more brightly.]
But I guess it really hasn't been all that long. [Two years in Luceti. Almost a year back on Auldrant. Nearly a quarter of the time he's been alive.] Besides, there are things here that I never want to forget as well...
[He trails off and looks off into the distance. The only sound for a few moments is that of birds chirping overhead. Aburptly, he looks back down at the journal.]
Ah. I think I lost track of where I was going with this. I'm sorry for rambling.
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[Just admitting that much was so painful. As much as he wished it didn't have to be, it was. He pauses for a moment, taking a breath to calm himself.]
...but Luceti is different. It isn't just that I feel I can belong here. I feel like I didn't know what it really meant to have a place to call home until now. For everything bad that happens, to have everyone here together, I... I'm so happy here.
[Perhaps it's knowing now that there's a filter hiding their coversation that allows Ion to be more honest. Not just with Luke, but with himself. It seems as though the more he talks, the more he starts to lose his composure... or maybe he never really had it to begin with? With every word, that wall of faux calmness finally starts to crumble down, showing just how upset he really is... and perhaps just how much more he's been hiding from Luke, intentional or not.]
...lately I've been wondering. If they managed to achieve what they're hoping for and they found a way to send people to live in other worlds, even when they can't return to their own... I wonder whether that'd be something I would truly want to consider. [...] Or whether it would be better... not to.
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...everyone is here in Luceti. Even knowing that someday everyone will go home, right now, they're here. And even when they leave, they can always come back. It's sad, but... there's still always that hope that we could meet again someday.
[He smiles. It's not quite genuine, but still not entirely sad either.]
It's selfish to feel that way. This place isn't perfect, and people still suffer. But when everyone is here, I feel... like I have a reason to keep living. It's not quite a purpose... I still don't know what I should do with my life here. But if I can live and see the smiling faces of the people I care about, maybe... that's enough for me. For now. For this life.
[His expression darkens, and he looks away. That smile, still there, is now far more sad. This is the first time he's shared these thoughts so openly, knowing how painful they could be for the one listening. He trusts Luke. Certainly it's a sign of how far he's come, to be able to have this conversation without trying to lie and make everything all right again.]
[He made a promise to Luke. He wants to keep that promise. Even if it's painful.]
...but no matter what happens here, that doesn't change the fact that someday everyone will go home. And should that day come ever for me, I...
[There's a pause. His next words are quiet and sad.]
I don't think I want to live in a world where I have no reason to live.
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Luke isn't sure. He's not sure if he wants to know, either. He isn't sure if that makes him selfish or not.]
Back in Auldrant, I didn't have a reason to live, either. I kept wondering, I even asked Mm... Van. All I got was that I was made to be thrown away. So I'd keep thinking about it and never come up with an answer, and it got even worse back at the manor.
But here, I... I feel like I've found a purpose. It's not much, but... I'm living for myself now. Because I want to live. It doesn't matter why I was born. I'm living no matter what anyone else thinks, for myself and for the friends I made.
I'm just... I'm not sure if I'll reach that conclusion on Auldrant. I hope I do, but... Even if I go back, I'll still be leaving a lot of things behind.
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[He knows it. He may have never witnessed it on Auldrant, but he knows it to be true. Luke is strong and has always been his own person, even if he had trouble seeing that himself. And Ion knew someday he would find himself and understand what it meant to live and want to live. Not just to exist, but to really live, without any sense of obligation or purpose behind it. Something that Ion doesn't quite understand himself.]
[And yet he found himself unable to dwell on his own lingering doubts right now. It was just as he had said: his own reason, his own drive for life here in Luceti, was dependant upon those he knew and cared about. Their happiness was his own. And to hear Luke, a fellow replica who had so long struggled with his own identity admit that he was finally living for himself... why, it was almost enough to reignite the flames of hope that had long since died down within him.]
I... I'm so happy for you, Luke. You've overcome and accomplished so much to become who you are today. It gives me a real sense of pride to be your friend.
[There's a slight shiver to his voice, almost as though he were about to cry.] Somehow, knowing that... at least one of us can be happy... it fills me with such a warm feeling, I'm not sure I know how to express it.
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He shuts his eyes and halts whatever negative path his thoughts took, and redirects them. Yes. Yes. He's come so far now, and he's proud to have his friends at his side, and he hopes they're proud of him, too. Yes, he's made mistakes, and there isn't a day of his life where he doesn't regret those mistakes and try his best to atone for them. But here he is. Happy. Proud. Himself, his own person.
He smiles a little now.]
We all have the right to feel this way, Ion. You're you, and no one else can be you. No one else walked with me through Cheagles Woods that day, no one else gave me that capacity core. Heh... No one else told me I was kind even though I was rude as hell - uh... just rude.
You're the only person who did that.
I know it's not as simple as just saying "I'm me". But you've already come a long way, and I think you'll believe in that some day, too.
I'm proud to be your friend too, Ion.
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[It was different hearing those words now, when Luke's voice was calm and clear rather than desperate and sad. But that didn't make them any less powerful; on the contrary, they almost seemed more so. Ion would always be Ion. No matter what happens in the future, that's something that will never change. He isn't replaceable. It's taken him so long to finally come to accept that for what it means. And maybe someday he'll come to understand what it means to be and exist for himself.]
[And he wouldn't have made it this far without Luke. He almost considers saying as much, but he knows he doesn't have to. He has no doubt that Luke hasn't already realized that himself. In the end, all he can manage is a very soft and quiet reply.]
[But the smile on his face says more than words ever could.]
...thank you, Luke. That means more to me than you know.
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So when he responds, he's also quiet, but there's still a smile behind his voice.]
I might have an idea. And... I'm happy for it.