distressedude | 021 ~ [Voice]

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021 ~ [Voice]

[Even with the month of February coming to a close, the weather has still been rather cold. But that didn't stop spring from trying to make its way through, and even now, one could see the start of buds on trees around the forest. Appropriately bundled up for the weather, Ion rests at the foot of the largest tree in the cherry tree grove just north of the village. Taking in a long, steady breath, he absentmindedly opens his journal. When he speaks, it doesn't even seem like he's addressing the journal at first. His voice sounds distant; he's had a lot on his mind lately.]

I wonder what it would be like to live in Luceti longer than I lived back on Auldrant... so far. [Those last words are added rather hastily, like an after-thought. There's a wistful smile on his face.] Thinking about it used to make me feel sad... now I'm almost not sure what to think. It feels like the longer I'm here, the greater the chance is that I might start to forget things about home. The sound of the city bustling to life in the morning. The way the sun shines off the fonbelt in the sky at sunset. The faces of all the kind people I've met...

[He trails off before smiling a little more brightly.]

But I guess it really hasn't been all that long. [Two years in Luceti. Almost a year back on Auldrant. Nearly a quarter of the time he's been alive.] Besides, there are things here that I never want to forget as well...

[He trails off and looks off into the distance. The only sound for a few moments is that of birds chirping overhead. Aburptly, he looks back down at the journal.]

Ah. I think I lost track of where I was going with this. I'm sorry for rambling.

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That's what I was thinking. The whole reason I started writing one was just in case I lose my memories again. [Even though that... wasn't really the case, but now it's become more of a hobby than anything. Still, it helps. He just wishes the diary he kept on Auldrant would show up here.]

You know, I actually tried keeping one before, but I could never think of what to write after a few days and forgot about it. The only thing I've been able to keep up with are little notes here and there.

[Notes, scribbles... mostly letters.]

I wrote stuff like that for a while. There wasn't a lot to do at the manor... Sometimes I'd just write "another boring day" and that's it. So you don't really have to... write anything big. Little notes is okay, too.

[... Ah, that makes it sound like he's pushing the idea, huh?] B-But you don't have to keep a diary... It's not for everyone.

I'm not sure how well I'd do, keeping a diary of every day that passes in Luceti, but I think I could manage one for things about home.

[That's what Yui had suggested. But really, forgetting things isn't the only reason this has been on his mind.]

...do you ever thinking about about things like that? Being in Luceti for that long...

Faces and stuff?

[There's a small pause as he shifts and looks off to the side.]

... Yeah, sometimes. It's still kind of weird to look up and not see the fonbelt in the sky.

[There's a short pause... and then Luke might notice a small filter going up. Just enough to keep out prying eyes, but not enough to indicate he has anything he wants to say worth keeping a secret.]

To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I've had it easier. It hadn't been all that long since I learned everything about Auldrant. I've even gotten used to the shorter seasons here.

Perhaps that's why I've been thinking about it so much lately...

I still can't get used to the shorter seasons. It's already starting to warm up... It feels like winter just started!

[... But now for something else.] If you could, would you go back?

[Ion should have expected that question, given the topic at hand. But given the sudden silence on his side, it's probable that he hadn't.]

[If he could go back, go back and be alive by some power or being, would he? Had he been asked that very same question a year ago, he might have been able to say No and not have any regrets. He had chosen to die. He had given up his life. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, it had been his choice...]

[...but his life feels so much more precious in Luceti. More so than it had before. Here, where he was just "Ion"... if he could go back, would he still feel that way? Returning to the life of being "Fon Master Ion"...]

...I don't know.

[For Luke... It's a different reason. Back on Auldrant, he... he was persecuted for what he was. Stared at like a monster, scoffed at by both Asch and Van, and he was entirely unsure as to just what his purpose was. But at the same time... He knows things there aren't quite so peaceful. Not if Ion is going to be killed... Not if there are still things he has to do.

But here... He feels like he belongs here. That he has a place. A life to call his very own... A name that he can live up to and be proud to have. A loved one whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He doesn't want to give those things up. For the first time ever, ever in his life, he feels like he's found a place where he can be... him. Not the duke's son. Not the replica constantly pulling a sheet over his doubts and fears in favor of moving forward.

He's Luke here. Just Luke. And it's so precious to him now, he...]

I... ["don't know". But wouldn't Ion be upset at that? Luke - He has to go back to - to save Ion, or try, or...]

[Had Ion's own answer ended with a follow-up question, perhaps Ion may have been able to guess what Luke had been struggling to say. Instead, he thinks it's his own answer that had upset Luke. And why wouldn't it? This topic is only a reminder of the fact that when Ion gets sent home, he'll be dead. And when Luke gets sent home, he'll have to watch him die. He may have told Luke the details of what happened, but hearing it and seeing it were such different things... not to mention the fact that Ion had left out the part where he had intended, wanted, to give his life for Tear's even before he started reading the Score.]

[There was no reason to burden Luke with this, right? Perhaps he shouldn't have answered that question. Perhaps he should have given an answer that would have simply side-stepped it. Or perhaps he shouldn't have risked bringing this topic up at all.]

[...but they were friends, weren't they? Sanji had told him before that friends were there for sharing those burdens. Would it be better for Luke to know how upset he truly was or for Luke to simply be upset that Ion was hiding something? And after promising they wouldn't hide things from each other anymore...]

...to be honest, I'm afraid to even consider it. What point would there be in wishing for something I can't have?

They already said it would be impossible, after all. For someone in my situation to return home... [They'd just go back to being dead.]

[All this dancing around the truth of the matter... On his end, anyway. It doesn't make him feel very good. They had promised not to hide things... although there is one big thing Luke is hiding now, but that doesn't have anything to do with this.

He lets out a long sigh.]

I don't trust them. I'm not even sure if I can believe this will work. I'm afraid something might go wrong... Or they're just doing this for their own interests.

[...] But if I did believe it, and if I had the choice without any other things involved? [Like Xion, the reason why he's considering in the first place?] I'm... not sure if I want to go.

I don't think it's any question as to whether they're doing this for their own interests or not. There are people in this world, aside from us, who have homes they want to return to as well.

[It was strange to think about, given how inhumane they viewed the Malnosso here in Luceti, but... there were people out there too, right? Aside from just the scientists. There were people out there trying to survive in that world and having to deal with the threat of the third party on a near daily basis.]

I don't think they would have offered this opportunity at all if it were something they knew would work. It's really... just another experiment, after all.

[He's silent for a moment before asking, quietly:] ...why wouldn't you want to go?

Mm... [Yes, Luke knows. He and Yuri had to rescue Malnosso families, after all. It's no far cry to say that the Malnosso want to return them, too.

...

But that isn't to say that they include the people in the village in this deal. Luke has a feeling he'll never fully trust them... And hopefully, that'll be for the best. If there's a day where they're betrayed, Luke won't be blindsided by it like the situation with Van.

For now, he keeps his thoughts to himself on that matter. There's something more important they're discussing now, important enough to bump up the filter.]

I just feel like... like I've actually found a place where I belong. It doesn't matter what you are here, because you know there's other people here who feel like they don't fit in in their own world. We actually have time to think, and we can make friends, and figure things out, and... just stuff we could never do on Auldrant.

I've found a lot of things here that I don't want to let go of... Even though I know I'm going to have to someday.

I... feel the same. It would be a lie to say I don't wish I could see Auldrant again sometimes. Even if only for a day...

[Just admitting that much was so painful. As much as he wished it didn't have to be, it was. He pauses for a moment, taking a breath to calm himself.]

...but Luceti is different. It isn't just that I feel I can belong here. I feel like I didn't know what it really meant to have a place to call home until now. For everything bad that happens, to have everyone here together, I... I'm so happy here.

[Perhaps it's knowing now that there's a filter hiding their coversation that allows Ion to be more honest. Not just with Luke, but with himself. It seems as though the more he talks, the more he starts to lose his composure... or maybe he never really had it to begin with? With every word, that wall of faux calmness finally starts to crumble down, showing just how upset he really is... and perhaps just how much more he's been hiding from Luke, intentional or not.]

...lately I've been wondering. If they managed to achieve what they're hoping for and they found a way to send people to live in other worlds, even when they can't return to their own... I wonder whether that'd be something I would truly want to consider. [...] Or whether it would be better... not to.

Edited 2012-03-31 09:46 (UTC)

... Not to? But Ion, if they're telling the truth, and they actually do this thing they're talking about... It'd mean you could live again!

...I know. But I-- [A pause. He realizes the impact of what he's just said, and knows full well the implications of his words. It's something he's been thinking about ever since that announcement. And there's a reason, until now, he's been keeping his thoughts to himself.]

...everyone is here in Luceti. Even knowing that someday everyone will go home, right now, they're here. And even when they leave, they can always come back. It's sad, but... there's still always that hope that we could meet again someday.

[He smiles. It's not quite genuine, but still not entirely sad either.]

It's selfish to feel that way. This place isn't perfect, and people still suffer. But when everyone is here, I feel... like I have a reason to keep living. It's not quite a purpose... I still don't know what I should do with my life here. But if I can live and see the smiling faces of the people I care about, maybe... that's enough for me. For now. For this life.

[His expression darkens, and he looks away. That smile, still there, is now far more sad. This is the first time he's shared these thoughts so openly, knowing how painful they could be for the one listening. He trusts Luke. Certainly it's a sign of how far he's come, to be able to have this conversation without trying to lie and make everything all right again.]

[He made a promise to Luke. He wants to keep that promise. Even if it's painful.]

...but no matter what happens here, that doesn't change the fact that someday everyone will go home. And should that day come ever for me, I...

[There's a pause. His next words are quiet and sad.]

I don't think I want to live in a world where I have no reason to live.

[... It's painful to hear this, knowing that this is half how he feels about Luceti and his own life. What does it say about him, when he can return to his friends, alive and well, and still want to be here, where he's finally found a purpose? When he knows he has a duty to return to?

Luke isn't sure. He's not sure if he wants to know, either. He isn't sure if that makes him selfish or not.]

Back in Auldrant, I didn't have a reason to live, either. I kept wondering, I even asked Mm... Van. All I got was that I was made to be thrown away. So I'd keep thinking about it and never come up with an answer, and it got even worse back at the manor.

But here, I... I feel like I've found a purpose. It's not much, but... I'm living for myself now. Because I want to live. It doesn't matter why I was born. I'm living no matter what anyone else thinks, for myself and for the friends I made.

I'm just... I'm not sure if I'll reach that conclusion on Auldrant. I hope I do, but... Even if I go back, I'll still be leaving a lot of things behind.

...you would. I'm sure of it.

[He knows it. He may have never witnessed it on Auldrant, but he knows it to be true. Luke is strong and has always been his own person, even if he had trouble seeing that himself. And Ion knew someday he would find himself and understand what it meant to live and want to live. Not just to exist, but to really live, without any sense of obligation or purpose behind it. Something that Ion doesn't quite understand himself.]

[And yet he found himself unable to dwell on his own lingering doubts right now. It was just as he had said: his own reason, his own drive for life here in Luceti, was dependant upon those he knew and cared about. Their happiness was his own. And to hear Luke, a fellow replica who had so long struggled with his own identity admit that he was finally living for himself... why, it was almost enough to reignite the flames of hope that had long since died down within him.]

I... I'm so happy for you, Luke. You've overcome and accomplished so much to become who you are today. It gives me a real sense of pride to be your friend.

[There's a slight shiver to his voice, almost as though he were about to cry.] Somehow, knowing that... at least one of us can be happy... it fills me with such a warm feeling, I'm not sure I know how to express it.

[He knows what he means by that. By "us". And it makes another painful twinge show itself, one that tells of his unsureness. Has he really overcome and accomplished so much? Can someone be proud to be his friend?

He shuts his eyes and halts whatever negative path his thoughts took, and redirects them. Yes. Yes. He's come so far now, and he's proud to have his friends at his side, and he hopes they're proud of him, too. Yes, he's made mistakes, and there isn't a day of his life where he doesn't regret those mistakes and try his best to atone for them. But here he is. Happy. Proud. Himself, his own person.

He smiles a little now.]

We all have the right to feel this way, Ion. You're you, and no one else can be you. No one else walked with me through Cheagles Woods that day, no one else gave me that capacity core. Heh... No one else told me I was kind even though I was rude as hell - uh... just rude.

You're the only person who did that.

I know it's not as simple as just saying "I'm me". But you've already come a long way, and I think you'll believe in that some day, too.

I'm proud to be your friend too, Ion.

[This wasn't the first time Ion's heard Luke say this to him. There was no way he could have known. Ion hadn't been quite that detailed in explaining what happened the day, after all.]

[It was different hearing those words now, when Luke's voice was calm and clear rather than desperate and sad. But that didn't make them any less powerful; on the contrary, they almost seemed more so. Ion would always be Ion. No matter what happens in the future, that's something that will never change. He isn't replaceable. It's taken him so long to finally come to accept that for what it means. And maybe someday he'll come to understand what it means to be and exist for himself.]

[And he wouldn't have made it this far without Luke. He almost considers saying as much, but he knows he doesn't have to. He has no doubt that Luke hasn't already realized that himself. In the end, all he can manage is a very soft and quiet reply.]

[But the smile on his face says more than words ever could.]

...thank you, Luke. That means more to me than you know.

[Luke is sure that he knows how much those words mean to Ion more than anyone else. If he heard that a year ago... He might have dismissed it, but it would be a wonderful thing to hear.

So when he responds, he's also quiet, but there's still a smile behind his voice.]

I might have an idea. And... I'm happy for it.

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